Virginity

My Twinkie virginity, you pervert. I wouldn't talk about the other virginity... well, with anyone.

(It'd be a miracle if I got to that stage in the first place... having aphensphosmphobia/haphesphobia/chiraptophobia/general-distaste-of-people-physically-coming-into-contact-with-me, in fifty years I'm going to be Susan Boyle, ideally without the pudge and the funny accent but with all my limbs, a small menagerie of hypoallergenic cats and a vivacity that keeps me relevant despite my medically-necessitated lobotomy due to a detrimental habit of sniffing permanent markers botched murder attempt by jealous professional colleagues in the skullduggery world of think-tankery. I have a bright future).

Anyway, growing up as a first-generation Asian-American (that's where your parents hopped over the Pacific Ocean & you were born in the States), I was oft denied the delights of the traditional sucrose-stuffed sweets, and having a health freak conscious mother, was denied many a Chinese sweet as well, and so it is till now, I have not yet ingested any part of this cultural staple of gustatory Americana:

Two Twinkies. You should know that. Image via Esquire.

And so, on impulse, I decided that today I would lose my Twinkie virginity, and finally see what all the fuss about these 'golden sponge cake with creamy filling' is all about:

First bite... this is an intriguing texture.

Mid-chew... still intrigued. I like the word 'intrigued.'

I've been chewing for too long and my mind, having the miniscule attention span of a GenYer, has decided that any food requiring more than a minimal three chews before swallowing is too much. And it tastes funny.

I have set down the rest of the Twinkie, pondering whether or not I have the gustatory... guts to finish it.

I now understand the Chinese incredulity when they see a Caucasian man stuffing his face with these cakes as he's waddling down the street in Shanghai I witnessed two years ago, but in regards to my Twinkie experience, I'm both relieved and slightly disappointed--relieved because I won't gain a massive amount of weight from ingesting these (not) scrumptious delights, and disappointed because my nostalgic, childhood reverence for this once-forbidden confection has really no reason to be help up in such high esteem.

(I am still intrigued by deep-fried Twinkies, however. The New York Times says they're delicious and saporous.)

Your thoughts?